I was thinking and realized there was plenty of my telling you how I perceived you and what it does for me, but I guess I neglected to tell you about me. I do think in my previous explanation it certainly sheds some light on me , but here goes....
I was raised by my mother with visitation from my father. I grew up with a brother that was eight years older than me and did not have the time of day for me. I did however worship him, he was the best thing since sliced bread, well except for my grandparents. My brother used to work on his cars or truck and I would be the gopher. Go for this- go for that. I was always there to help him, unless he crushed me and made me leave him alone. This wasn't too often but it did happen. I was always trying to seek admiration from my brother and quite frankly my father, well let's make that every one... I suppose I never felt very special and therefore I have always worked very hard for that acceptance , appreciation and admiration.
Really the only people in my life who were exceptional were my grandparents. To which I credited them before they passed away, for raising me. I spent every summer with them . We lived at Lake Winola , PA in the summers until I was about 12 or so, then it was Florida. Every summer I fished, swam and worked hard cooking and canning. I l earned respect, enjoyed respect and became appreciative of even the tiniest things. I always admired the smell of the lake, the charm and the feel of the water. I spent hours on an old man's porch ("Uncle Joe") talking of the sweet things in life, listening to old music and rocking on the porch facing the lake. We played with his dog and talked and laughed. It was somewhere I was liked and that was a blessing. I loved sitting there listening to Joe talk about his wife, the places he saw, the music playing and so many other beautiful things. My grandparents limited me, they did not want me to be a pest to him. I had certian time to visit. My grandparents were amazing. Gramps by his very nature taught me to believe in chivalry, honesty and working hard. He taught me respect, tying knots, fishing and how to do things without complaining. My Grams taught me to do with love. To bake from scratch, can fruits and vegetables, healthy eating,catering to the man, being a lady, dressing beautifully,etc. She was a classy woman. They taught me to love dancing. I would go to the cottagers dance and sit for hours watching them glide across the floor , secretly wishing I too would have that one day. Before they passed I wrote to them thanking them profusely for raising me, at least the good parts of me. I thanked them for showing me respect, honor, love admiration, duty and all the things traditionally "good " people have.
I took care of my Grandmother before she died, I bathed her, loved her, made her food and enjoyed her. I embraced her and occasionally had to endure her , it was hard work. I resented my mother for not doing it right and not bathing her and making her feel bad on the occasions that she did. I realize my mother was overwhelmed , but.... that was my "person". Person meaning the one who meant the most in this world to me. My Grams and I were bound by this most amazing love. We spoke of it just before she died, we told eachother that we were the loves of our lives. I miss her so much.
Anyway.... my mother really wasn't the best. She demonstrated the wrong things many times. It broke my heart. I went to her many years after the fact and told her a huge amount of horrible things that happened to me of which she told me she didn't believe.
In addition, she out and out lied to me about a few things. This was devastating, I grew to despise her. Also , it made me start to absolutely abhor liars . I despise them. In recent years we had buried the hatched and we became friends, but she blew it again. Consequently we do not speak and I cannot stand it, but I feel like I have no choice.
My father, disappoints me too, he tended to put me down at least at the high school age. I think part of it had to do with having my son. He assumed I was some kind of trollop like my mother and that - that must be why I got pregnant. In fact ... I was raped. No one ever asked though ... they all assumed and I never stopped them. I did not feel it was my place. Talk about something that can devastate... when your parents think you are some overly promiscuous girl, who just whored about an d happen to get "knocked up". It hurt me so much it was incredible, not only was I a virgin , I was raped. Some great thinking parents, huh?I couldn't believe they thought so little of me. They did not find out until just a couple of years ago about the rape aspect. My mother could not apologize enough and my father seemed like he thought I pulled the story out of mid air. Gail (his wife) says otherwise. She says he just did not know what to say because it hurt him so much. Who knows wives (stepmoms) do sometimes try to say the right things just to hold the peace.
So in high school I was a single mom, who lived with her mom and I completed high school, had a part time job, full time as a mom, etc. College came, I had 19 credits a semester, an almost full time job, I was a full time mom and I was struggling, but I made it, that was until my mother threw me out. My son and I moved in with a boyfriend of mine. Prior to being thrown out I stood up for my mother to her trooper boyfriend who later became her husband. He ended up beating me, I was nearly deaf for 2 weeks. She denied it, she LIED. As you know ,you can never win against a trooper. I ran to my brother, he helped. While with my boyfriend over the course of the year old memories came back to me of sexual abuse. I was three years old when it all started. I was molested by a boyfriend of my mothers and I have a very hard time believing she had no concept... I suffered from severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I all the years of my life I never turned to drugs or alcohol. I did have a time period of being on antidepressants but that is it.
I have always worked hard, struggled and made it... I have always seen things very deeply and been hurt deeply. The simple things have always been the best to me. I always have appreciated even the smallest crumb that came my way. Maybe that is why sometimes I think there is more to something than there truly is, because i have endured with so very little that the tiniest of things is big to me. I like to make people around me feel good, I please because I suppose deep inside it is because I hope to be pleased back , although that is not the intention when I do something. I like very traditional things very much because it is where I came from ( meaning my grandparents) . I love cooking with love, taking care of someone, appreciating them , etc. I am also fiercely loyal and protective. If I like someone I will do nearly anything for them, and if it looks like someone is after them or whatever look out. I am not a really tough girl , but I will stand up for what is right, without regard for the consequences. I always have someones back.
I find it amazing I believe in things and want to trust in things after all the rotten things that have happened, but I do. I believe in the beauty, the sweet things. I guess I have to because it would kill me to think there is only ugly out there especially after I have had so much. My mind , body , soul, and heart crave love and joy. I suck it up like a sponge, and this is in all aspects, children, outdoors, man, job etc. I am extremely passionate in all I do. I don't believe in half-baked. It is not worth it, rather do without.
I suppose I have said enough .I am tired of being alone, I am always alone. I suppose it is a form of protection, being away form people in a sense prevents hurt. On occasion though I find someone I am willing to risk myself for, maybe one day I will get it right.
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