Saturday, June 26, 2010

animal inside

This little animal inside has been awakened... Now I have this craving. In one way I love it very much , yet in another it is very annoying. The sleeping dog was lying , dormant and undisturbed, unaware of the pangs of desire the reside deep inside. Now it is like this horny little bitch is alive and she has these intense , passionate, wild desires. The only good part is I haven't acted on them. Somehow though it has a mental aspect to it as well. I feel somewhat lame for letting this stuff out, for wanting what I want ,for not doing it, for wanting to do it. All this abuse to my head, I self inflict.
As if desires should not exist. I don't know maybe they shouldn't, but what do you do after they are there??? How do you continue? Can you really bury them to the point of not remembering? Can you make them never resurface again, or should you just delight in the fact that they do? Follow them? If only the mind would stop at times.
Another thing... I abhor how my mind seems to think maybe I was all just a little internet game and I seemed to so freely and willingly give myself. Sometimes I guess it should just be seeing is believing.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

withdrawl and acting out

So here I am driving around with all these thoughts. Thoughts that on any normal day would be ridiculous, but for the last few days are an odd reality. Saturday I was driving and thought of stopping and trading my truck for a Jeep, no good reason really. In fact, I love my truck , but I am
feeling like everything needs to be different. I know exactly why I want "different", but realistically it is stupid. I am not stupid person, at least not usually.... Recently, I guess there may be an argument to that. The other thing I was seriously considering for Saturday was a tattoo, now
I am not particularly a tattoo person but again for some strange reason I have this bizzare desire to get myself inked. I feel like I want to remember my recent judgements. While visiting the tattoo place I was also going to get my nipples re-pierced and maybe even down below. The lower end is a bit of an afterthought, but I seem to want that too. Another thing that I decided to do was visit a nude beach. I actually loved it and cannot wait to return. I did not take my clothes off, but what an incredible place to people watch. One of the most interesting things I noticed was the variety of shapes and sizes of naked people. It was so fantastic , the best part was it was so natural and unpopular, meaning not Hollywood like or media like. I think we are so conditioned to what is supposed to be acceptable and we usually only see perfect bodies in an undressed state it was bliss to see comfortable people in a relaxed nude setting. I must admit some people turned me on quite a bit as well. I mean I didn't particularly sit to hunt out hot things ,but I saw many things that caught my interest. Beautiful bodies and mannerisms. I would have loved to experiment with many of the people I saw. Next time I go which will be this upcoming week , I cannot wait to remove all my clothes, and hopefully I will get some incredible propositions, which I may just take.... Hmm, talk about acting out???

Monday, June 21, 2010

just another reason

How is it when someone is out of your life they still create so much damage? It really makes me incredibly angry. Not only does my ex seem to control when I get to leave my house, in a round about way. Now ,due to him being in my life at all, I lose someone who meant a great deal.
The remnants of our existence was all it took to push me from a mans heart. Quite honestly it is
unbelievable. How much disappointment and sadness can one human take ? I mean really...

The curtain was pulled back the reveal a sunshine coming from behind the clouds. That bold burst
of brightness. The very thing that makes you want to lift your head from the darkness within,
it almost hurts to look at, and it scares you but... you stumble forward living on the edge . Your heart remembers, desires, pulls you forward. It unknowingly leaps and bounds,
fluttering on the warm breeze. Can you feel it??? It goes up and up, floating , moving in a new rhythm almost weightless, carrying you with it. You carefully slink upon it, hoping not to disturb the rhythm. The body starts the same count and succumbs, lead by the heart. But the mind, oh, the mind is attached, it is almost screaming, but the words cannot escape. The mind goes, travels, and gets in sync. Pretty soon the mind is leading the heart, it tries for one brief moment to warn the heart but the beating is so strong. The heart tells the mind you follow and just think to the beat, let it capture you. Mind now is a partner, in fact now the mind goes forward leading a synthetic symbiosis . Mind and heart tango a passionate embrace until the waltz.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I felt excited for many reasons... one to be naked outside, maybe getting seen, standing naked before a coworker female no less( yick) I think, exciting none the less. The most important reason I was excited was the thought of pleasing him. I was hoping I would excite him . He never told me if I did or not though, it was disappointing. I did think to myself well I am the Toy maybe that does not entitle me to knowing if I excited him. Riddle might find out though, maybe he'd let at out in a discussion with her. Very interesting being in two different worlds, never experienced it before. Back to the feelings of that experience, I relished the feelings that were associated with my being controlled. I was exciting being told , knowing I was following a directive. The pleasing, following directives and being naked made me so excited. I was wet when I finished that night. I felt some slight inhibitions which brought me even closer to Sir because he would eliminate them. He would eliminate my weaknesses and give me gifts. I was going to learn so much and these were some of the things going through my mind. The day made me think how much more I should believe in him without question. I gave so much more to him that day, than just the pictures. I wish he knew.

one thing

It's amazing how pliable my mind has been. It has recently been taken from decided and closed to open and completely redirected. Never has it crossed my mind that I could be "owned" not in a daily life sense. The thought that it would be determined what I do , when I do and how I may do it has never been a conscience one it was just natural day to day living. I did as I please, when I pleased etc, like many or most of us do. However, recently my mind had been altered and the most amazing thing happened. I have the most intense desire to be told what , when and how to do things. I have this craving for it. In a few short weeks I went from a slight snicker to nothing but wholehearted immersion. The sheer ecstasy in my mind and body from thoughts of being "owned" flooded me. My heart was light again, my mind was becoming finely tuned again, there was complete joy in my heart a true love of sorts. I had been commanded as someones and that was absolutely incredible. Not only did it give me someone to direct my need of pleasing to, it gave me a feeling of being wanted. My life has been a struggle of being wanted. This Sir made his Toy feel wanted. I cannot express just how profoundly it touched me and how deeply I gave. My life has been a series of abandonment and this is feeling like yet another. Sir assured me this wouldn't happen and I believed, God did I believe. It carried me through the day and nights. Does this seem too much , maybe.... but not to me. I initially has wanted to hold back and not give , wanted to hook it all on physical , he showed me that I didn't have to, we could be bound
before a kiss of the lips ever even happened. I believed... and so it was. I thought we were bound.
Odd, I almost feel I have never been bound so tightly, so intimately. I shared the most intimate of my thoughts, actions and body with my Sir. He praised, reprimanded and shared too. I fell...
Now I find myself in withdrawl, an ugly place for me. I feel myself desiring being out of control. I want to release the pain ,anger ,hurt , sorrow, disbelief of what has happened. My Sir has dropped his toy. I never imagined such a thing.
I miss being his riddle too, a name I felt like I earned a name, a pleasantry, a sweet thought. This name when I saw it "kissed" me. It brought such joy. It made smiles from no where, those simple little "Good morning Riddle" and others. "Why am I letting this eat me?" I ask myself.
I know why and it makes me sick sometimes, the thought- he gave me what I was missing. " How pathetic" is my reply to myself, and I can only think he feels the same.
Today I found myself searching and wondering.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

in the beginning

I was thinking and realized there was plenty of my telling you how I perceived you and what it does for me, but I guess I neglected to tell you about me. I do think in my previous explanation it certainly sheds some light on me , but here goes....
I was raised by my mother with visitation from my father. I grew up with a brother that was eight years older than me and did not have the time of day for me. I did however worship him, he was the best thing since sliced bread, well except for my grandparents. My brother used to work on his cars or truck and I would be the gopher. Go for this- go for that. I was always there to help him, unless he crushed me and made me leave him alone. This wasn't too often but it did happen. I was always trying to seek admiration from my brother and quite frankly my father, well let's make that every one... I suppose I never felt very special and therefore I have always worked very hard for that acceptance , appreciation and admiration.
Really the only people in my life who were exceptional were my grandparents. To which I credited them before they passed away, for raising me. I spent every summer with them . We lived at Lake Winola , PA in the summers until I was about 12 or so, then it was Florida. Every summer I fished, swam and worked hard cooking and canning. I l earned respect, enjoyed respect and became appreciative of even the tiniest things. I always admired the smell of the lake, the charm and the feel of the water. I spent hours on an old man's porch ("Uncle Joe") talking of the sweet things in life, listening to old music and rocking on the porch facing the lake. We played with his dog and talked and laughed. It was somewhere I was liked and that was a blessing. I loved sitting there listening to Joe talk about his wife, the places he saw, the music playing and so many other beautiful things. My grandparents limited me, they did not want me to be a pest to him. I had certian time to visit. My grandparents were amazing. Gramps by his very nature taught me to believe in chivalry, honesty and working hard. He taught me respect, tying knots, fishing and how to do things without complaining. My Grams taught me to do with love. To bake from scratch, can fruits and vegetables, healthy eating,catering to the man, being a lady, dressing beautifully,etc. She was a classy woman. They taught me to love dancing. I would go to the cottagers dance and sit for hours watching them glide across the floor , secretly wishing I too would have that one day. Before they passed I wrote to them thanking them profusely for raising me, at least the good parts of me. I thanked them for showing me respect, honor, love admiration, duty and all the things traditionally "good " people have.
I took care of my Grandmother before she died, I bathed her, loved her, made her food and enjoyed her. I embraced her and occasionally had to endure her , it was hard work. I resented my mother for not doing it right and not bathing her and making her feel bad on the occasions that she did. I realize my mother was overwhelmed , but.... that was my "person". Person meaning the one who meant the most in this world to me. My Grams and I were bound by this most amazing love. We spoke of it just before she died, we told eachother that we were the loves of our lives. I miss her so much.
Anyway.... my mother really wasn't the best. She demonstrated the wrong things many times. It broke my heart. I went to her many years after the fact and told her a huge amount of horrible things that happened to me of which she told me she didn't believe.
In addition, she out and out lied to me about a few things. This was devastating, I grew to despise her. Also , it made me start to absolutely abhor liars . I despise them. In recent years we had buried the hatched and we became friends, but she blew it again. Consequently we do not speak and I cannot stand it, but I feel like I have no choice.
My father, disappoints me too, he tended to put me down at least at the high school age. I think part of it had to do with having my son. He assumed I was some kind of trollop like my mother and that - that must be why I got pregnant. In fact ... I was raped. No one ever asked though ... they all assumed and I never stopped them. I did not feel it was my place. Talk about something that can devastate... when your parents think you are some overly promiscuous girl, who just whored about an d happen to get "knocked up". It hurt me so much it was incredible, not only was I a virgin , I was raped. Some great thinking parents, huh?I couldn't believe they thought so little of me. They did not find out until just a couple of years ago about the rape aspect. My mother could not apologize enough and my father seemed like he thought I pulled the story out of mid air. Gail (his wife) says otherwise. She says he just did not know what to say because it hurt him so much. Who knows wives (stepmoms) do sometimes try to say the right things just to hold the peace.
So in high school I was a single mom, who lived with her mom and I completed high school, had a part time job, full time as a mom, etc. College came, I had 19 credits a semester, an almost full time job, I was a full time mom and I was struggling, but I made it, that was until my mother threw me out. My son and I moved in with a boyfriend of mine. Prior to being thrown out I stood up for my mother to her trooper boyfriend who later became her husband. He ended up beating me, I was nearly deaf for 2 weeks. She denied it, she LIED. As you know ,you can never win against a trooper. I ran to my brother, he helped. While with my boyfriend over the course of the year old memories came back to me of sexual abuse. I was three years old when it all started. I was molested by a boyfriend of my mothers and I have a very hard time believing she had no concept... I suffered from severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I all the years of my life I never turned to drugs or alcohol. I did have a time period of being on antidepressants but that is it.
I have always worked hard, struggled and made it... I have always seen things very deeply and been hurt deeply. The simple things have always been the best to me. I always have appreciated even the smallest crumb that came my way. Maybe that is why sometimes I think there is more to something than there truly is, because i have endured with so very little that the tiniest of things is big to me. I like to make people around me feel good, I please because I suppose deep inside it is because I hope to be pleased back , although that is not the intention when I do something. I like very traditional things very much because it is where I came from ( meaning my grandparents) . I love cooking with love, taking care of someone, appreciating them , etc. I am also fiercely loyal and protective. If I like someone I will do nearly anything for them, and if it looks like someone is after them or whatever look out. I am not a really tough girl , but I will stand up for what is right, without regard for the consequences. I always have someones back.
I find it amazing I believe in things and want to trust in things after all the rotten things that have happened, but I do. I believe in the beauty, the sweet things. I guess I have to because it would kill me to think there is only ugly out there especially after I have had so much. My mind , body , soul, and heart crave love and joy. I suck it up like a sponge, and this is in all aspects, children, outdoors, man, job etc. I am extremely passionate in all I do. I don't believe in half-baked. It is not worth it, rather do without.
I suppose I have said enough .I am tired of being alone, I am always alone. I suppose it is a form of protection, being away form people in a sense prevents hurt. On occasion though I find someone I am willing to risk myself for, maybe one day I will get it right.