one thing

It's amazing how pliable my mind has been. It has recently been taken from decided and closed to open and completely redirected. Never has it crossed my mind that I could be "owned" not in a daily life sense. The thought that it would be determined what I do , when I do and how I may do it has never been a conscience one it was just natural day to day living. I did as I please, when I pleased etc, like many or most of us do. However, recently my mind had been altered and the most amazing thing happened. I have the most intense desire to be told what , when and how to do things. I have this craving for it. In a few short weeks I went from a slight snicker to nothing but wholehearted immersion. The sheer ecstasy in my mind and body from thoughts of being "owned" flooded me. My heart was light again, my mind was becoming finely tuned again, there was complete joy in my heart a true love of sorts. I had been commanded as someones and that was absolutely incredible. Not only did it give me someone to direct my need of pleasing to, it gave me a feeling of being wanted. My life has been a struggle of being wanted. This Sir made his Toy feel wanted. I cannot express just how profoundly it touched me and how deeply I gave. My life has been a series of abandonment and this is feeling like yet another. Sir assured me this wouldn't happen and I believed, God did I believe. It carried me through the day and nights. Does this seem too much , maybe.... but not to me. I initially has wanted to hold back and not give , wanted to hook it all on physical , he showed me that I didn't have to, we could be bound
before a kiss of the lips ever even happened. I believed... and so it was. I thought we were bound.
Odd, I almost feel I have never been bound so tightly, so intimately. I shared the most intimate of my thoughts, actions and body with my Sir. He praised, reprimanded and shared too. I fell...
Now I find myself in withdrawl, an ugly place for me. I feel myself desiring being out of control. I want to release the pain ,anger ,hurt , sorrow, disbelief of what has happened. My Sir has dropped his toy. I never imagined such a thing.
I miss being his riddle too, a name I felt like I earned a name, a pleasantry, a sweet thought. This name when I saw it "kissed" me. It brought such joy. It made smiles from no where, those simple little "Good morning Riddle" and others. "Why am I letting this eat me?" I ask myself.
I know why and it makes me sick sometimes, the thought- he gave me what I was missing. " How pathetic" is my reply to myself, and I can only think he feels the same.
Today I found myself searching and wondering.